CONNECTING AND PROTECTING
For years, child development researchers, sex educators, and parents have tried to figure out why some kids make good decisions about sex and other don’t. All agree that adolescent sexual risk-taking behavior is a complex issue and is influenced by a variety of bio/psycho/social factors. Some influences, such as growing up in poverty, hanging out with risk-taking peers, and drinking alcohol, are risk factors. Others, such as self efficacy, good grades, and an understanding of the negative consequences associated with risky sexual behavior, are protective factors.

Although there’s no one factor that guarantees young people will make good decisions about sex, researchers have identified one “SUPER” protective factor in preventing teen pregnancy and STD’s/HIV – parent-child connectedness (PCC).

 

Parent-Child Connectedness (PCC) is a positive, high quality emotional bond between parent and child that is felt by both parent and child (mutual) and is long lasting (sustained over time.)

 

WHAT PCC LOOKS LIKE:

  • Parents and children spend enjoyable time together
  • They communicate freely and openly
  • They are affectionate and warm with each other
  • They trust each other
  • They respect and support one another
  • They share similar values and respect their differences
  • They support each other and make an effort to meet each other’s needs
  • They feel optimistic about the family relationship
  • Family conflict is at a low level
  • Both parents and children are satisfied with the relationship

Unfortunately, there is no simple, cookbook approach to PCC. Nearly 100 different factors either contribute to or weaken PCC, and PCC develops differently during different developmental stages of children’s lives. Likewise, environmental influences, such as living in poverty and parents working long hours, can significantly impact families and their ability to connect. Parents who work long hours and inconvenient shifts are most likely to be tired and stressed at the end of the day, making it more challenging for them to connect with their teens.

 

HOW PARENTS CAN ENCOURAGE PCC:

  • Provide for Basic Physiological Needs
  • Build and Maintain Trust
  • Demonstrate Love, Care and Affection
  • Share Activities
  • Prevent, Negotiate and Resolve Conflicts
  • Establish and Maintain Structure by Establishing Expectations, Monitoring, Disciplining, and Providing Positive Reinforcement
  • Communicate Effectively

Parents who aren’t sure whether or not they’re “connected” to their children may need to answer the How Well Do You Know Your Son or Daughter?questions and ask their children to answer the How Well Do You Know Your Parents? questions on the TEENS page. The questions are designed to be answered jointly; exchanged; and discussed with each other. Knowing or wanting to find out more about someone shows that you truly care.

 

TALKING EARLY AND OFTEN
One of the greatest benefits of parents connecting with their children is establishing a bond where open and honest conversations about sensitive issues like love, sex and relationships are more likely to take place. However, even parents who have great relationships with their children sometimes find it awkward and embarrassing to talk with them about sex.

 

Parents need to be concerned about telling “too little, too late” rather than “too much, too soon.”

 

Medical and child development experts recommend parents initiate conversations about sex and relationships when their children are young, since children are naturally curious and start asking questions about sex at an early age. They have developed guidelines for age-appropriate information that parents can use.

Birth to Age 2

  • Use correct terms for body parts
  • Model “comfortable” touch (e.g., hugs that are not forced upon the child)
  • Talk about boundaries and parts of the body that are off limits as the opportunities arise (e.g., during diapering and bathing)

Preschool (Ages 3-5)

  • Encourage child to use correct terminology to describe genitalia
  • Teach child the difference between comfortable/appropriate touch and uncomfortable/unacceptable touch
  • Model comfortable touch by not forcing child to have physical contact (e.g., no forced hugs or kisses)
  • Model the importance of privacy when bathing and using the toilet
  • Give child permission to be private about his/her nudity
  • Use everyday opportunities to teach child fundamentals of sexuality (e.g., if child asks questions about sex, give simple and direct answers)
  • Teach child that touching oneself feels good, is OK, and can be done in private
  • Teach child to respect other people’s boundaries and privacy

Elementary School

  • Respect child’s need for privacy
  • Be clear with child about respect for people’s boundaries and need for privacy
  • Talk with child about bodily responses, especially those that are precursors to sexual response (e.g., it feels good to touch one’s genitals) and what is and is not appropriate when interacting with peers
  • Model healthy, intimate adult relationships characterized by effective communication
  • Teach child about male and female changes during puberty (by age 7-8)
  • Use everyday opportunities to teach child about sexuality, even the mechanics of reproduction (no later than age 9)***

Middle School

  • Talk with child about sexual decision making
  • Share your family’s beliefs, morals and values
  • Discuss the physical, emotional and spiritual aspects of sexual relationships
  • Talk candidly with your child about the consequences of all types of risky sexual behavior
  • Teach your child about reproduction in greater detail
  • Discuss the benefits of abstinence
  • Discuss how sexually transmitted diseases are transmitted and their symptoms

High School

  • Talk with your teen about romantic relationships and dating
  • Discuss dating safety
  • Educate your teen about date rape drugs and precautions to be taken
  • Continue discussions with your teen about sexual decision making
  • Explain why your family has certain beliefs, morals and values
  • Emphasize the physical, emotional and spiritual ramifications of sexual relationships
  • Continue discussions about sexually transmitted diseases and HIV/AIDS and how to protect against them
  • Discuss forms of contraception and their effectiveness
  • Tell your teen abstinence is the only 100% effective method of preventing pregnancy and STDs/HIV/AIDS

Parents must recognize that teens only have the ability to listen for one minute, so they need to follow the One Minute Rule.

 

***Research shows that children whose parents talk with them about sexuality are less likely to become sexually active at an early age.

 

 

GETTING IN THEIR HEAD
Most parents have heard these words come out of their mouth at least once, “WHAT were you thinking?!” The truth is their teen may not have been thinking….about consequences of their actions, anyway…and with good reason. Brain researchers have found that the adolescent brain is still “under construction.” The prefrontal cortex (the area of the brain that’s responsible for planning ahead and managing emotions) of the brain is not fully developed until almost age 25! At the same time, the concentrations of testosterone, estrogen and progesterone are changing dramatically.

In the female, estrogen and progesterone impact neurotransmitters, especially serotonin, thereby, increasing mood instability and affecting the ability to relax, self confidence, and the ability to manage impulses and urges.

In the male teenager, testosterone increases by 100% and is 20 times greater than the level in the female. Testosterone is associated with competitiveness, aggression and risk taking.

When you consider the following,it’snowonder smart kids do stupid things!

  • The part of the teen brain that stores information is developed, so teens often sound more intelligent than they act.
  • Teens interpret verbal and nonverbal cues in the anger center of the brain (the Amygdala) instead of in the Prefrontal Cortex. Therefore, they are:
    • Quick to anger
    • More likely to take risks or be adventuresome
    • Less likely to think things through completely
  • Teens are self-conscious and preoccupied with the physical. Since they’re often withdrawn from parents, they’re easily influenced by peers and are particularly vulnerable to experimenting and reevaluating values.
  • Teens experience dramatic wake-sleep cycle changes. Typically they need 9 hours sleep per night but average only 7. Chronic sleep deprivation affects their ability to learn and to remember, and it affects their mood.

 

MONITORING THE MEDIA
Important circuits in the teen brain aren’t fully constructed, so there are important windows of opportunity and sensitivity that remain open. Experiences teens have during growth spurts in the brain have a major impact on the development of their brain. Recent brain research indicates that scenes depicted by the media (TV, movies, video games) trigger the same hormone and brain activation responses in the brain as real life experiences.

The neurons that fire together wire together.

In other words, the teen brain is wired and shaped by everything experienced, so the way a teen chooses to spend his time, particularly during a brain growth spurt, really does experience who he becomes. That’s why nicotine, alcohol and drugs affect the teen brain differently and can have such devastating long-term consequences.

The National Institute on Media recommends the following guidelines for teen media viewing:

  • Make sure you have sensible rules governing how much time your child spends with the media
  • Keep the video games, TVs, and computers out of kids' bedrooms.
  • Understand and use the media rating systems.
  • Talk with your kids about music lyrics or video images you find objectionable.
  • Make clear rules concerning Internet use and monitor your child’s use.

According to the Kaiser Family Foundation’s “Sex on TV 3” report, two-thirds of all television shows have some sexual content. Teens who watch 3 to 5 hours of TV each day witness about 2,000 sex acts per year! (sex acts include kissing, embracing, implied ntercourse, fondling, etc.)

Parents can access a rating system/report card for movies, videos, TV shows and video computer games at the National Institute on Media’s website: www.mediafamily.org. Here are some ways to use teen TV viewing to your advantage:

  1. Watch what your children watch. Do this as often as you can. Also review TV listings and suggest shows that you would like to watch with them.
  2. Watch the first time without offering any opinions. Sit back, relax, and take in what you see and hear. You’ll learn what your children like.
  3. Ask your children their opinion. Use “How do you feel about….?” And “What do you think….?” You have begun to nurture the thinking and skills that will help your children questions media messages.
  4. Share your opinions and values in a positive way. Discuss your thoughts. Your children need to understand your values as they begin to form their own.
  5. Watch for “teachable moments.” Use the opportunity of a joke or a tender scene to discuss a subject.
  6. Use commercial time to talk. Take this time to communicate your own brief message. Your children may pay more attention to you during a break in the show.
  7. Remember that “bad” shows can provoke discussion too. They will often give you the opportunity to discuss the behavior of a certain character.
  8. Be sensitive. Your children might find it embarrassing for you to discuss sexuality issues in front of their friends and other adults.
  9. Use keys to good communication. As you’re talking, encourage give and take. Use such phrases as “What do you think?”; “That’s a good questions.”; and “I’m glad you told me that.”
  10. Have fun! Keep your talks informal. Avoid lectures. Seek input. Your child will build barriers against criticism.

DISCUSSING DATING AND RELATIONSHIPS
Once children reach puberty, they’re usually well aware of the biology driving the physical changes to their bodies; consequently, parent-adolescent discussions should start focusing more on relationship issues, such as dating, sexual responsibility, and pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease prevention.

Parents need to recognize that their children have already been learning a lot about relationships from the psychological and social behavior they’ve observed in the lives of the adults around them. The type of relationships they’ve witnessed will have a much greater impact than all the conversations in the world. Nevertheless, the following are worth your discussing:

  • How to avoid unhealthy dating patterns. Talk about the importance of respect, honest communication, assertiveness, and forgiveness.
  • How to avoid unwelcome sexual advances. Help them (sons as well as daughters) think about things they could say or do to get out of uncomfortable situations and then role play with them.
  • How to negotiate in relationships. Talk about compromise and the give and take of healthy relationships.
  • How to recognize warning signs. Share that any kind of violence (a shove, a slap or a push) is unacceptable. Stress the importance of talking with a trusted adult about any uneasy feelings about a relationship.
  • How an unplanned pregnancy or sexually transmitted disease could change their life. Talk about peer pressure and how they can be popular while resisting casual sexual relationships.

ESTABLISHING GROUND RULES
Being clear about parental expectations on the subjects of curfews and dating throughout childhood is important; otherwise, teens will conclude their parents simply don’t like a particular person or invitation when they propose plans that their parents don’t support. Parents are wise to establish and start discussing with their children age-appropriate ground rules that address the following before the teen years.

  • Curfews and acceptable standards of behavior
  • Rules and expectations when children are left unsupervised
  • Group activities vs. one-on-one dating
  • Dating before age 16
  • Restrictions on relationships where there’s 2 or more years age difference

Consider writing and asking your teen to sign a Dating Contract.

1 www.teenpregnancy.org
2www.etr.org/recapp
3www.advocatesforyouth.org, www.teenpregnancysc.org   
4 Why Do They Act That Way? A Survival Guide to the Adolescent Brain for You and Your Teen. Dr. David Walsh
5 Why Do They Act That Way? A Survival Guide to the Adolescent Brain for You and Your Teen. Dr. David Walsh